Chinese Lesson

I often feel very fortunate that I have good friends around the world, most especially for those in China and Taiwan who help us with questions we have about raising a Chinese daughter, and support us in those cultural areas where we really could use the support. Recently, in an email exchange with a friend in Taiwan, she, she told me about a common saying in Chinese culture:

有女萬事足

It means, "when you have a daughter, everything is satisfied"

Often the understanding of why so many girls are available for adoption from China is only half of the truth. Most people believe, "Chinese favor boys over girls, they don't want girls because they cannot carry on the family name or the family bloodline." But that is just half the story. To tell it that way, is almost an untruth, because it leaves out the role of women in Chinese society.

Mao himself even said, "Women hold up half the sky." The truth is, the ideal family by Chinese standards is 2 children- one boy, and one girl. Sounds an awful lot like a typical nuclear family, doesn't it? A good friend in Guangzhou was married several years ago, and in showing me her wedding photos, there were some photos of she and her husband receiving two big stuffed 'baby dolls'- one was a boy and one was a girl. It was a wish for them to have twins- one boy, and one girl.

The traditional role of boys and men in Chinese society is that they not only carry on the family name, but also the family bloodline, and more importantly, they are in charge of worshipping the ancestors. In Chinese culture, this is a very important task. If your ancestors are not happy, you will face many troubles in your life. This is a very interesting thing to consider. In the US, when a loved one dies, you mourn them for a certain period of time, depending on your closeness to them. A parent perhaps you actively mourn them for 6-10 years. A Grandparent who has reached a certain age may be actively mourned for fewer than 3 or 4 years. (And my 'actively mourned', I mean that you shed tears and are genuinely sad and get lost in thought about them at least a few times a year. Not a scientific definition, just what I am using for comparison of cultures here.) But once you pass those 3-5-10 year markers, you don't often think of that person. They are not a part of your life on a weekly, monthly or yearly basis. Let alone the great great great grandparents that you never met, how often do you think about them?

In Chinese Culture- those spirits remain on and remain impactful in your life. They need offerings to use for their life in the afterworld. If they are not properly worshipped by the oldest son according to cultural custom, they can bring pain and misfortune to your life. Thus is important that these people are actively remembered for many years after anyone still living even knew what they looked like. It's very different, but culturally important. Therefore, no son, no one to worship the ancestors, and much bad luck can befall your family.

Now conversely, in Chinese culture, girls are thought to be closer to their parents, more filial, more loving, more caring of their parents. However according to historical cultural tradition, the girls would move to their future husbands houses when they married, and usually required a big dowry to do so. Thus it was expensive to raise a girl who would not take care of you, or your acenstors, in your old age and after your passing. Having a girl could be considered a "luxury"- you had money to feed an extra child whom you knew would leave when she reached marrying age, and who would not take care of you later.

Which brings me to another point- "social security" in China is not what it is in the US. You put money into your children when they are young, and they take care of you financially when you are old. They also pay for their children when they are young, and their children take care of them when they are too old to work. Which points to another reason that boys are considered vital to a family. If a girl is to just go off and get married, and there is no son, the parents will have to work until they die, or how will they eat?

But back to the original point of this posting. "when you have a girl, everything is satisfied." Basically, it means this:

Boys are necessary for finances and families to function, but girls are what make parents feel loved and close and care about the family.

So having a girl, in China, to me, seems to be a luxury.

A lot of the historically cultural views are changing, particularly in larger cities. I have a handful of friends with daughters, but still many hold the old views. In many cases, it is the grandparents and extended family who hold the old views that "only a son" is necessary. But I think if the rule about only one child could be relaxed for more families in China, we'd see a lot more families with at least one girl.