1) They are quite excited- they ask questions, they are friendly, they are genuinely happy for me. they give a damn.
2) they smile blandly and congratulate me cordially and change the conversation as quickly as they can.
It's hard to say what makes people respond in this second way. It could be that they don't support adoption, it could be they don't support international adoption, it could be that they don't know anyone who has adopted and don't know what to say, it could be they just don't give a damn one way or the other. I have learned to catch it quite quickly though, and not let it get to me. Clearly, if it's one of the first two reasons, it's their problem not mine. These are not the people who would be disrespectful of my daughter when she (finally!) comes home, they are the people who would pretend she doesn't exist, or the people who would find another place to go be if I brought her into work to visit. I, being the eternal optimist, hope that in most cases people who respond the 2nd way are just not sure what to say...but as a Mom to be, my radar is on & I find myself being keenly aware of what I perceive people to think. That's where the danger lies though! What I perceive may not be their reality! So, in the end, it's a crap shoot. It seems I worry less about the people who ask questions (and sometimes silly questions!), but more about the people who don't say anything at all.
How is this different from a biological pregnancy? Well, comments like "when are you due?" are replaced with "are you still doing that adoption thing?". "Haven't you had that baby YET" is replaced with "don't you have your baby YET?" And...the big one and probably what makes it most difficult to be an adoptive mom- when you are 3 months further along than the other pregnant woman in the room (who has a biological baby) and everyone is fawning over her & asking her all sorts of questions about the baby & noone says a word to you because it's not obvious and they've forgotten...the "getting left behind" part. I saw these t-shirts which said "paper pregnant" on them. I couldn't bear to think about actually owning one, because it was a bit too much like the T shirts that say "baby inside!" which I think are a little awful...but I can see how in a few months I'm going to wonder why it is I don't own one. Biological parents have a due date- they can say with relative certainty the month their child will be coming, sometimes within about a 2 week window. I *think* I can pinpoint the year my child will be coming home, but can't even be certain of that at this point, let alone the Month!
On the upside, our bodies are not going through this crazy metamorphosis (read: Weird cravings), we're not gaining lots of baby weight, sleep is not a problem, and when the wait feels like it's going to be very very long, we can go out for a beer and fuss about when are we EVER going to get our children?
Still, despite these differences, despite the waiting, the uncertainty, the "hidden" part of becoming a parent through adoption, for starting my family, I wouldn't have it any other way!! This last sunday was mother's day...I wondered whether my daugther has been born yet, or if she is in her first mama's mother's womb. Has she heard the cooing of her first mama? or has she breathed the air of the chinese countryside? Is she with loving parents at least for a few days, or with nurses already in an orphange? I hope when her first mama thinks about this child, she imagines an amazing future for her child, and sends her to the orphange with a heart full of love for a full life, and her own heart full of respectful sorrow for having to give her up. I hope that her first mama can imagine how much I will love and cherish my daughter, and how I long for the day to hold her in my arms and finally become her forever family!!!
