NR update and Violet...our little blooming flower!

I know I am long overdue for an update, I just don’t have the time to update my blog the way I used to!

We are not finished with Neuro Reorg, or Attachment therapy, but we are making steady and strong progress.

I’ve learned so much in the last year and a half about brain development, neurological disorders, the effects of and causes of trauma to children, and as a result I understand more of what we see in schools and hear families talking about when they fuss about their children can often be linked to those early life experiences, sometimes even moreso than current life experience in those children. 

Inability to get oxygen during birth can have a more significant effect on a little brain than you might imagine.  Being left to “cry it out” can have a more significant impact than many people imagine. (our attachment therapist said there have been studies done that show children who are left to “cry it out” as infants cry for longer periods of time, with more intensity, and longer into childhood than children who are not left to “cry it out”, and when children cry, cortisol is released in the brain and even after the child has appeared to calm themselves down, it still remains in their brain for sometime afterwards, working like battery acid on a developing brain.)  A stressful pregnancy (ex, violence in the home, abuse, or even stress based on the fear of losing a child and having to be on bedrest for a long time) can have significant impact on a child, because they are developing in a sea of cortisol, which is bad for brains. Many hospitals I have learned do not use much in the way of pain management for NICU babies because they do not believe these premature babies feel pain or will remember anything, but the brain gets pumped full of cortisol when they fear for their lives, which they do when they are experiencing pain.  Just a few examples, there are so many more...

It’s also important to know that 10 kids can experience exactly the same thing, and react in 10 different ways.   For example, our children are both from an orphanage situation. By all estimates, our older daughter who comes from a very poor orphanage with very low levels of care should have more significant needs if we simply say “the potential for trauma based on what we know was great.” While she was young, the potential trauma was significant.  Yes we have some developmental trauma, but it’s pretty “low level” and not anywhere near where it could be, and it’s not RAD.  Other babies from the same orphanage who joined their families also at young ages have experienced far worse reactions to their first year of life.

 Back to Neuro Reorg. So Violet has been going strong for 17 months, and she has officially (yay!!!) graduated from Tummy crawling as of 3 weeks ago. We are SO happy for that! J Maddie started NR 11 months ago and she is still tummy crawling and none too happy about it, but it’s far easier to get her to do it daily than it was to get Violet to do it! Though Violet sometimes will just hope down and start tummy crawling now when she is supposed to be knee crawling…maybe she is getting bored!  Violet is now doing a lot more knee crawling and has started fetals again. We had a ROUGH time with fetal patterns the first time around (not while doing them, but the reaction in her day to day life was really rough) so they were stopped and our practicioner had her do another pattern to prepare her better for Fetals. While we see a little bit of regression happening with fetals this time, it’s nowhere near as bad as it was the first time around and we can handle it. And what’s more, Violet can handle it. She can recover more quickly if she does have a meltdown or a rage. 

Maddie is also doing Fetals now and she is just loving it- most kids have no problems with them whatsoever, but about 10% of kids have a rough time and it generally means there was trauma in utero.  Maddie gets all cuddly when we do them and seems to really enjoy them. 

We decided to change Violet’s school in December because the previous school was just too chaotic.  While the teachers were great, they had 20 kids in the room and it was always LOUD.  She was getting stressed every day almost, and it showed up at home. Even when all 20 kids were not there yet in the morning or late in the afternoon, they combined classrooms (for optimal staffing levels) and so she was most of the day with 10-20 kids and 1-3 teachers at a time.  It was just LOUD.  Again, I loved the teachers, but 20 3 year olds in one room…you expect noise.  We had already planned to make the move, but were going to wait until spring. The girls psychologist really strongly encouraged us to get Violet switched sooner because she really needed it to heal.  The only problem was she was not potty trained which was a school requirement- but the principal of the new preschool said “no problem, the teachers can do diapers, it’s okay.” Well, I went on my first business trip 1 month before the switch, and the DAY I came back, Violet started using the potty. (up to 100% of the time from about 25% of the time 2 weeks before!) By the time she started her new school 2-3 weeks later, she was using the potty and wearing big girl undies all the time, except for poop.  Within 2 more weeks, she was pooping in the potty!  Within 2 more weeks after that, she was waking up every morning with a dry diaper, and she no longer needs diapers at night!   Right after Christmas, she wanted to try riding the big girl bike (with pedals, she has just been on a balance bike so far).  She got on in the driveway (no training wheels, we go straight from balance bike to pedal bike with two wheels) and started pedaling.  Two days later she jumped on again and rode all the way to the park.  She cannot start on her own or stop on her own yet, but within about a 5 week period of time, she went from being fully in diapers and using the potty just randomly, to being fully potty trained day and night, and riding a bike with NO trouble.

You might wonder why I threw this in so randomly in the middle of the NR stuff. Well, because when the brain starts making those Neuron Connections, it’s simply astounding what happens.  I think I read that it can take the brain 8 months to “show” the change that is made.  So we’ve been doing patterns and exercises and tummy crawling and knee crawling etc, etc, for 17 months, and then all of a sudden, all these things happen at ONE TIME.  It’s just amazing. 

Our lives are changing and it’s simply unbelievable. I think the list of “what life was like before” is only about 3-4 posts back, so feel free to flip back and read it to see how far Violet has come.  We had a little rage on Christmas afternoon, but it was quickly brought under control and when you think of the kind of overstimulation that is Christmas, it’s to be expected.  Since then, we have not had a blow out/throw down/kick Mama to the curb sort of rage, and before that I can’t recall the last time we had one.  Violet is able to handle direction, she can handle being told “no”, and she can handle being asked to wait for something.  She will follow directions and do what I ask, when I ask it, and not need constant supervision to ensure the smallest task gets done. (well, except maybe knee crawling!)

Yesterday our therapist explained this diagram below to me:

Kids can learn effectively when they are in the optimal arousal zone.  If they are hyper aroused (raging, screaming, running, acting out, etc.), nothing is getting into their brain.  If they are in a state of Hypo arousal (lethargic, shut down), nothing is getting into their brain.  Kids must be in that optimal arousal state to be able to learn and grow. 

 

Hyper arousal

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Optimal arousal 

                           

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Hypo Arousal

 

When we met Violet, and the first year until we found our therapist and for a while after, her optimal arousal zone was TINY! She was nearly always in a hyper or hypo arousal state.   As we’ve worked with her, both through Neuro reorg and truly learning how to parent a RAD child and support her in the ways she needed, her optimal arousal zone has increased to a larger space, so that she is MUCH more in the optimal arousal zone, and just peaks and dives occasionally into the hyper or hypo arousal zone.

Before, we knew that if she was raging, if she started sucking on her fingers she would calm down and all would be okay! So we really hoped and encouraged her to suck on her fingers! But now I understand… (ah…now I know…) that when she sucks on her fingers and looks very calm, she is actually checking out and is in a state of hypo arousal, which is also bad!  She was basically yo-yo’ing full time  between a state of hyper and hypo arousal, all the time!  No wonder she was raging, can you imagine being in such a state nearly all the time!

 Before we would have visits with the therapist and she would scream and thrash throughout the appointment, and we would talk over her….with our therapist coaching me what to do, what to say, etc.  I could not even imagine to say anything like “put your shoes on” because she certainly would have kicked them off across the room by that point.  The therapist would often move into another room with the next client because Violet was still raging, and we would leave, eventually.  Usually me carrying her shoes and whatnot because there is no way they were getting on, or if she did get them on it was because I was holding her, getting them on, or fighting to get them on her. 

 Yesterday, Violet asked me (at the beginning of the appointment) Please may I take my shoes off Mama?” (yes), and at the end of the appointment I said “Violet, I need you to put your socks and shoes on” and she just DID it, while the therapist and I talked! 

 Before, she would go to the door when the appointment was done and would open it and run down the stairs (to see Baba who was waiting to take her home), and we’d have to do lots of “do-overs”- Okay honey, let’s try this again!  Up the stairs, in the room, Mama leads.

 Yesterday, Violet opened the door when we finished, and I said “uh oh, Violet…” and she closed the door and looked up at me, so I walked out the door and she calmly followed me until we got downstairs and then gave Baba a big hug.  Wow.  So easy!

Behavioral stuff aside, her language is developing amazingly!  She is speaking in beautiful sentences, and her pronunciation is great. Her vocabulary is growing and while she still jumbles word order a bit (more Chinese order than English order sometimes), she can explain with quite some detail now that she could not before.  Her memory also is improving, and she is better able to recount things that happened than she was before.  One thing we started doing at dinner time is for each of us to tell our family about something that someone did that we appreciated that day- so some way that someone helped you out or something that someone did that you really appreciated.  She is really participating and seems to enjoy recounting someone who helped her and is able to remember what they did to help her.  She also can explain what is the reason she got two stamps on her hand from school (“teacher give me because I was listening good”)

 Attachment wise, things are going really well too.  She is still not what we would call “securely attached”, but she is somewhere between “anxiously attached “ and better than that. Honestly I don’t know how to clearly distinguish when one stops and another begins, but that’s why we work with professionals who really get it and can interpret what they see and what we tell them and give us a better idea of where on that continuum we stand. 

Last week I came home from work one day and she ran up to the door as soon as I came in, shouting “Mama! Mama! Mama’s Home! Mama! Mama’s home!!” and laughing, SO happy!!!  Then a little later after dinner, she asked to be excused, and we said “yes, you may be excused.” So she hops down from her chair, climbs up into my chair and throws her arms around me and says “Mama I love You! I love you so Much Mama! I just love you so much! I Love you mama!” with so much enthusiasm! It was amazing! Jeremy and I were both exchanging wide eyed looks across the table!  It just blew us away!

 This sweet beautiful girl! This girl who had so much pain and hurt inside, is finally finally feeling love!  Really feeling love!  Nancy Thomas says that when kids with RAD start to attach, and really start to be able to feel love and give love, that they just get giddy, and she is so right!  This little amazing bubbly sweet little girl, is just sunshine! 

 Now I don’t want to negate that we still have some path to follow….we are not there, we have not lost the RAD diagnosis yet, but life now, is so much better on most any day than it ever was on our very BEST day before!  We still have rough times, but they are patches here and there, and not days on end.  And even those are starting to lessen.

We have signed up for RAD camp in the spring, and anticipate that it will be an excellent week. It is a big investment, but I’ve been told that the progress made in a week of camp is  roughly equivalent to a year of therapy…so we are diving in.  And looking forward to it!

I hate to not mention Maddie, because she is also doing great, but maybe I’ll make a separate post for her!