Ode to Patty Cogen

One of the books I got last Christmas was Parenting your Internationally adopted Child, From the first hours together through the Teen Years by Patty Cogen. It sat on my shelf for about 6 or 7 months and I finally picked it up this summer to have look. So far I'm about half way through but I can't stop raving about this book to everyone for nearly every question I see online these days. Deborah Gray is well known and fantastic- when I saw her speak I was entranced. It was so positive- everything. My favorite phrase that I remember her saying is "we don't want kids to "bounce back", we want them to "bounce forward." That made so much sense. But her books are hard to get through. They are clinical, and while full of information, they don't absorb into my brain and stick with me in the same way that Patty Cogen's writing does. I would describe Patty's writing like "oatmeal"- you feel full a long time, you remember that you ate. Deborah Gray's writing is like a cookie- it's good, you can think back and remember a bit of it, but it's gone in a jiffy.

I am not one to underline books- I just don't write in books. But I don't pick up PYIAC without a pen or pencil in my hand, and I am constantly underlining things I'll want to easily access again.
here is one example:

The Polyvagal system is what regulates childrens emotions- it acts as a "footbrake", so how does this 'footbrake' develop?

"the first is sucking, we know that infants suck their tums in utero, and sucking is considered the first and primary means of self soothing...The second avenue is listening to the human voice, particularly a human voice that is directed at the child. third is the child's own vocalizing of others, and to sing to herself. The fourth is the child's developing capacity for perceiving in others, and then making her own facial expressions that convey emotions.

Okay, here's the stinger:
All four of these stimuli are embedded in the feeding experience of infants.
...Internationally adopted babies and toddlers have experienced repeated disruption in their feeding and care routines...many of these dopted children learned to feed themselves at an early age, and therfore missed out on early opportunities for stimulation of the vagus nerve during interactions with their mothers.

ta-dah! if you don't effectively develop this vagus nerve, you have trouble self regulating- and you are running on full speed ahead, or crash mode- very little "slow down" ability. We know this to be fact that most children from an orphanage situation in china will have had propped bottles. We said early on that our daughter was NOT to hold her bottle herself (made it clear to daycare providers) and explained, "she could teach a class in bottle holding- now we need to teach her how to let someone hold it for her and how to gain confidence in another person to take care of that need for her."

This book is seriously filled with tons of valuable insights like that above. And ideas- ideas of games, therapies, etc. One of them we started playing right away- it's done with a slinky. You each hold the end of a slinky and walk away from each other and say "away", then close together again and say "close" or "near" or "together". We added in a little hug when we came close again, and when one of us goes away (sometimes Maddie asks US to go far away, sometimes she goes far away) we talk about missing the other person, and if that makes us sad, and how happy we feel when our family is together. The first day after we started playing it, Jeremy came home from a few days out of town for work and they played it, and after 1x or 2x doing 'away' and 'close' she walked over to the sticker chart we had been using to count when Baba was coming home and said "Baba go away." It was the perfect opportunity to talk about how YES, Baba went away but then he came home, and he will always come home. I am grateful to have a book that gives us more tools in our "toolbox" to help our child become more and more the confident little girl she is!

Family Reunion

Maddie LOVED Playing with Molly!
The first time that our group of cousins has had a group photo since...maybe when we were about 10? It was so great to see everyone!
My big sister
Heather made a cake for Grandma and Grandpa- my favorite part was "Established 1944"- very cute!
Here is all the family who was there that day...
Aunt Jenny made very cute crowns for the kids out of corkscrew willow fronds.
Here is our family...

Vermont part 2

We ended up moving the family reunion to my Mom's house- this weeping willow was a little stick tree when I was young- now it's a beautiful huge tree that serves as a perfect backdrop to a photo for little ones, as well as a fun thing to run through! Oh I would have given anything to have a tree like this in our yard when we were growing up! It still astonishes me everytime when I drive to Mom's house and see BIG trees all around it- to me they are always and will always be just a few inches in diameter..


We also (Of course!) made sure to spend some time with one of my oldest and best friends- Lisa and her family. Halle is just a year older than Maddie and they are absolutely adorable together!
I think Halle was teaching Maddie the proper wand techniques for casting a spell (don't forget the white gloves) and Maddie was teaching Halle a dance step or two...
It makes me so happy that Maddie loves all of her Aunties- those who are biologically connected as well as those who we have welcomed as part of our family through trust and love and friendship.

A visit to Vermont

Last weekend we took a trip to Vermont for a surprise family Reunion for my grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa knew a bit less than a week ahead of time that it was happening, but it was pretty good that we kept it a secret that long since we had been planning it since MAY! 4 of us cousins are out of state, so we had all arranged to come to VT the same weekend.
Maddie loved getting tickles and hugs from Great Grandma!
Meg and Ana had a ton of fun playing together- they are, I think, 2 cousins, or maybe 2nd cousins twice removed. I have no idea. They are the children of two of my cousins.
Henry and Maddie had fun playing together- At first Henry wasn't so sure that he wanted to share the balls, until he realized that he could pick which ones to share....then he was happy to share and even happier to get his picture snapped!
Jeremy and Maddie on the flight out there- I had meant to upload a different picture...oops. too late now!
Maddie at the airport in Portland, Ready for a trip!