RAD-Explained

Here is a quick bit from Wikipedia:

RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. Such a failure could result from severe early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers between the ages of six months and three years, frequent change of caregivers, or a lack of caregiver responsiveness to a child's communicative efforts. Not all, or even a majority of such experiences, result in the disorder.

It is of course a much longer entry, but the long and the short of it is, Children with RAD fail to form normal attachments in early childhood.  And by normal, they mean "HEALTHY" attachment.  There a handful of types of attachment, from Secure attachment to insecure attachment and ambivalent attachment and a few more.

When a child has healthy attachment, they look to their mother (and father) for grounding, for support, for safety.  When they are hurt, they want "mama" or "baba"- and they let themselves be comfortated, and they safely recover.  When they see their parents at the end of a long separation, they run towards them in excitement, not away in axiety driven excitement. When they are securely attached to a parent, they have no problem being cuddled like a baby against their Mama or baba, with their heart close to the parents heart, and they will happily look into your eyes waiting for any special word or song you have for them.

When a child is not attached, you have the opposite.  A child who runs away when they see you.  Not  because they don't want to see you, but becuase they are overwhelmed and don't know what to do.  Because they realize that it's time to transition from their "daytime Mama" to their "night time Mama"- nevermind they are at DAYCARE and it's no Mama there!  To them, one adult woman is like any other adult woman, we're all "mama for a time", it's just a matter of which one they are with at any given time.  When a child is not attached, they may run around in excitement be laughing and hitting at things or throwing things- it looks like they are being energetic and naughty, when in fact they are overwhelmed and scared.  I picked Violet up from school like that one day last week and they said "oh she's full of it today!" while laughing, and by the time we got home less than 10 minutes later, she was melting in a sea of tears and holding onto me for dear life.  She was not excited, she was scared from noise and chaos in a small crowded class room.   We have a hula hoop at school, and when she gets overwhelmed, she can sit in her hula hoop with her cuddly blanket and that is her "safety zone"- we tell her she is SAFE here.  And she knows it is true.  She can block out a bit of what's outside her hoop, and she knows that others will not come in her hoop, therefore giving her a little space.  When a child is attached to you, you MIGHT get 5 second of eye contact in a row, if you are lucky.  But probably not.  It's too uncomfortable to look into someone's eyes because that is baring your very soul to them.  We play games to extend how long Violet will look in my eyes.  Situaonally, we can do okay. At night, in the dark, while singing her a song and rocking her in the chair and giving her a bottle, after a YEAR of doing this, sometimes I can get her to look at me for up to 20 seconds...if I'm lucky.

But we are making progress.  Our girl has been extra cuddly in the last several days, and she often will want to sleep in bed with us, which is an excellent sign that she trusts us more. When she wakes in the night crying, she now will allow us to comfort her in the nighttime.  In the daytime, it's a different story.  If we try to comfort her in the daytime when she is scared or upset, she will hit and thrash.  Sometimes it starts a rage. Sometimes it's the end of a rage.  All in all, rages are pretty inconvenient.  They suck time out of everyones life, they leave Mama scratched and bruised, they leave a little girl panicking, and a bigger girl feeling like the little one gets all the attention.  Many a dinner have been delayed by 40 minutes (or at least Violet and my eating) due to a rage where I just had to sit and hold her and keep telling her she is safe.  When the rage finally subsides, she is a happy little girl who wants to sit on my lap, stay with me, and be as close as she can- happy that when she was most scared and feeling out of control, Mama did not let go or leave her behind.  She has this deeply rooted feeling that she can say "GO!" and make Mama go away when she is raging, but then when I tell her "I'm staying right here with you, because as many angries as you have, I have more love than that..." and finally when she comes out of her "angries", she is a calm girl who just wants Mama cuddles more than anything in the world.  We ask her "is your heart strong now?!" and she LOVES to open her mouth while looking in my eyes to show me how strong her heart is!

We are on a journey with our daughter.  Helping her get strong, showing her what a loving family is, and helping her find her way, while we all find our way.  She is sweet, sometimes cuddly, an amazing sense of humor, and very expressive.  She will be the class clown for sure.  She is our sweet baby girl.