Race Matters

On Saturday Maddie had a playdate with a little girl in her preschool, C.  Her big sister was turning 12 the same day, and was having a sleepover birthday party with friends.  C. is in the Chinese preschool with Maddie, and her big sister is in the Mandarin Immersion program that we are hoping to be in as well.  C is an adorable little blonde haired little girl, sweet and happy and carefree- her big sister is a dark blonde haired happy sweet very well mannered girl. Both in Chinese language programs, neither Chinese. This family is a wonderful family and we are happy to know them, and hope that we will be seeing them over the years as our girls go through school together.

Even knowing that C's big sister was in the mandarin program, it still surprised me to see that all 3 of her slumber party guests were Chinese.  I was  amused that this little blonde girl, was the ethnic minority at her party.  As I was thinking about the whole scenario later, and did a count, I was surprised and happy to recount that the people at the house that day (parents & kids together) were exactly half Chinese, and half caucasion.  And as I do fairly often, I thought back about the two transracially adopted kids that I went to High School with.  And of the Korean blogs.  If you've ever read Harlow's Monkey or any of "the Korean Blogs"- you will know what I mean.  Many of these are the adoptees that people call "angry adoptees." 

They speak out for adoption reform, some for abolishment of adoption altogether, and everything in between.  They are people who read as "angry about their past".  I go in search of these blogs around every 6 months or so, and read through them as a reminder.  It can be HARD to read some of these blogs, but I feel it is important.  Many of them blast adoptive parents as a blanket statement.  It can hurt your heart to read these.  But their voices have such value to us as Parents of young transracially adopted children.  As parents, we have a big responsibility. Hearing the experiences of these transracially/transnationally adopted children (as Adults) talk about what did not work for them as children, will help us to make better choices for our children.  It will help us to not make the same mistakes that may have been made (willingly or unwillingly) in their families because they did not have a generation who came before them to listen to.  We are SO lucky to have this generation of transracial adoptees that we CAN listen to- to know what was hard, what was good, how to stack the decks for our children to  help make their experience the best we can, and help them to cope with the challenges and questions at various ages, rather than the kids blindly handling them on their own.

When I think back to those two transracially adopted kids I went to school with, I cannot begin to fathom how challenging it must have felt to them in our little town.

One of them was not in my social circle- he was popular, I was not- but despite that I do wonder how it felt to be in his shoes.  I went to school in "white bread" country- these two transracially adopted kids WERE the only diversity in School, up until a Vietnamese family moved to town when I was maybe in 10th or 11th grade.  The popular Kid, "M"- was son of the art teacher who everyone loved.  I think back now and wonder if he was, among his social circle, the "spokesperson for racial diversity", or whether he heard things like "I forget you are black" (I think he is half African American.), or "I don't even think of you as African American, you are just "M".  Or, "What happened to your real parents"  And whatever else other ridiculous comment people make.  As an adoptive parent of a transracially adopted child, I certainly hear those comments now.

The other transracially adopted girl,"K", I knew through my few years in gymnastics.  She was a Korean adoptee. She was mean to me.  She was sharp tongued, and direct.  Knowing what I know now, I can see it may have been a coping mechanism.  Maybe it was a self protectionist way of keep herself safe.  I wonder if she is one of those adult Korean adoptee bloggers now? She was picked up out of Korea and dropped into a little pasty white town in a pasty white state in the 70's. Her Korean was probably left behind; culture, language, food.  I have no doubt she probably heard "I keep forgetting you are Korean" or "Do you SPEAK ENGLISH?" more often than she cared to deal with.

I have been to several adult adoptee panel discussions, and it always seems the biggest challenge was for those who were the only children of their race/culture in their school, those whose families did not make the effort to introduce them to the food of their culture, or the language of their birth. Those families who failed to ACKNOWLDEGE their child's race, let alone honor it.  But you know, it was the 60's and 70's.  There was no "generation before"- they did what they felt would be best.  I'm not making excuses, just offering a bit of history.  They tried to assimilate their kids so they would not feel different.  But in assimilating, they buried their race.  They buried their heritage and an important piece of who their children were.  And finding that piece of you that was buried for 25 years, when you are an adult-well- it must be scary and cathartic all at the same time.  I can't imagine how powerful that would feel.

As I was at this birthday party, surrounded by all of those beautiful girls with dark brown hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes like my own daughter's, I was reminded once again.  Race Matters.  It MATTERS that our children are surrounded by and exposed to others who look like them.  It matters that my children get to eat the food of their heritage and do not feel like a stranger in their birth country.  It MATTERS that they learn the language of their birth country.  It matters that when our children look around and try to identify "what is beautiful"- they are not seeing a sea of blonde hair and round eyes and wondering why they look so different, but  instead they see a mix of kids who are Asian, mixed Asian heritage, as well as African American, Latino and Caucasian.  We are thrilled that our kids will (hopefully-we are #2  on the waitlist) be in this amazing program where around half the kids will look like them.  Almost as many will come from families who look like ours.  And in their community, they see many other families that mirror ours. At our pediatric dentist, we make sure to always request the same hygienist- who happens to be an adult Vietnamese Adoptee.  Why? because we want our Children to see people of their similar ethnicity in professional environments as well.  (And it helps that we just adore her!)  We saw a dermatologist for Maddie for awhile who was Korean (not adopted), and even I have a Dr who is Chinese (also not adopted.)

 It's not just taking your kids to FCC playgroups or once a year to the big Chinese New Year party- it's about making sure they are normalized in their lives every day.  As of now, our household is 50% Chinese.  We cook Chinese generally once a week, Maddie and I make dumplings about once a month by hand and she gets them in her lunch 2-3 times per week.  I have been studying Chinese since before we met our girls, and we play Chinese music in the car and sing it together.  Race Matters.  Because to deny Race, is to deny an important part of your child.

To those two Transracially adopted kids from my Junior High/High school years- you have my utmost respect for your experience.  We are learning from your generation.  Whatever challenges you did or did not experience, we are listening.  Thank you to those who speak out about their experiences.