Progress Report on NR for July

I realized it was time for an update on our NR progress. We are closing in on a year of doing NR with Violet, and almost 6 months of Maddie doing it.
Back in April I talked about all the progress we had made, and discussed at length where we had come from. There is no need to repeat, you can check back a few posts and see where we were back in August of 2012. In May, we took our first trip since about 2 months after we came home from China with Violet. The last experience was very rough. It was very stressful and I cried a LOT (outside influence on our family, not from our little family unit).  Since that time, we had not taken any trip (back to that place or any other place) because, frankly, Violet could NOT have handled it. We were grasping by our fingernails to get through each day in our home environment with a schedule she knew and people she knew. The thought of going on a trip, on a plane, to visit people we didn’t know, to follow a different schedule, in a different time zone, with different food, was simply not reasonable.

By March this year we had seen such amazing changes with Violet, that we felt brave enough to plan a trip in May. We told Violet about 2 weeks before the trip that we were going, and almost immediately we started to see some backsliding and anxiety. She didn’t relate it specifically back to the trip, because I don’t think her language was that evolved yet, but it clearly started right after telling her about the trip. I made a book with pictures showing our suitcases, our house, a plane, the airport, the people she would see in VT, and then us coming back and our Kitties waiting for us. The end page said, “Mama Comes Home, Baba Comes home, Maddie Comes home, and Violet comes home. We all come home together.” After about a week or so of daily reading this book MANY times, and making her repeat after me every line on the last page, she seemed to calm back down again. Two days before the trip she started to get excited!

The flight was GREAT- Maddie is an amazing traveler, and Violet absolutely held her own in the “stellar passenger” role as well! There was a bit of concern a few times, but I would say 90-95% of the flight was absolutely smooth! Well, then we arrived in VT. And the days continued to be smooth….and the nights…. The third evening there, after getting back to our friend’s house past bedtime, she had a mini rage, but came out of it pretty quickly. She met a LOT of new people in a very short period of time, and she handled it like a pro!! She was calm, she was quiet, she did not get anxious and she did not hurt her sister or others! We said, “just wait until we get home…”

So we flew home a few days later, and the first day back was SMOOTH. We thought, HOLY COW, we MADE IT! The next day we had an NR evaluation and both girls were pretty rambunctious- it was a bit rough, I think Violet was nervous because Maddie was so wound up.

Well…the next 4 weeks were pretty rough…. Lots of regression, lots of rages again, hitting, not sliding ALL the way back, but certainly more than we’d seen in quite some time. We kept blaming the trip thinking, “Ah! PAYBACK!!!” Finally after a month we thought, wait a minute…we think this is the new patterns…. Part of NR is doing what are called “Patterns”- these work as the sort of “input” to the brain, then other movement is the “output.” So for example, there is one pattern that basically sort of mimics tummy crawling, so in that case, the pattern is the input, and the tummy crawling is the “output.” You are doing the movements to show the brain how it’s done, then the kids do it and the brain knows how to do it. Anyway, we had started what some people refer to as “The FETALS.” These are fetal patterns that mimic what a baby does in the womb. MOST kids have no problem with fetals and actually love them- they are often mimicking a time when kids were safe and comfy inside Mama’s tummy. But for kids who had trauma in the womb (parental stress, difficult pregnancy, abuse, etc.), Fetals can be ROUGH because it touches on that part of the brain that developed while their little developing bodies were swimming in a sea of cortisol. (Stress produces cortisol, which acts like battery acid to a developing brain. Parental stress during pregnancy causes the release of cortisol, which affects the developing baby.) Violet happens to be one of those 10% of kids who has not enjoyed fetals. To DO them, she does not mind. We call them “baby patterns”. They were developed after a 5 year study followed by a 21 year study of looking at fetuses through ultrasound videos. Pretty astounding. We recently went to the science museum where they have fetuses in formaldehyde from the first few weeks of conception, through delivery. Yes, a fetus for nearly every week of preganancy. It’s sad to know these babies were all still born or died in the womb (a few of them are actually still in the womb, so it would appear the mother and unborn child died), but provides an amazing view into a developing baby. What a contribution. Maddie LOVES to see this exhibit when we go to the museum. What we noticed the last time we went, was that quite a few of these babies are in the exact positions as the “fetal patterns” that we do! Although we knew as “fact” that we were mimicking movements of a fetus, it is really astounding to actually see the baby, in utero or in the position they would have been in, in that same position. Right down to the last detail in fact, of their little thumbs tucked into their hands!

When Violet does her “baby patterns”- she is always happy. Never fusses, usually giggles a bit, or lays calmly while we do them. So what a shock to realize it was it was actually the fetal patterns causing this regression!!! We called our practitioner immediately (as she had advised us to do if we saw any regression) and we stopped Fetals for about a week. Within 4 days, all signs of regression were GONE. It was amazing. We have since started up with fetals again, but at a much slower pace than before, and it’s going MUCH smoother!
Now Maddie has been doing NR for almost 6 months as well. The key issues we wanted to address with NR for her were not as significant as those we wanted to address with Violet, and as a result the results and improvements I would say are “softer” or less visible. We are seeing some changes, but it can take the brain more than 7 months to show a change that has happened, so we will continue to see how this benefits her. I will say that her writing has definitely seen an improvement, and her level of frustration when writing Chinese characters has significantly decreased. She can sit down and do a page of characters (homework) now and not get frustrated after the first few. She has more confidence about her writing and THAT is a clear benefit of NR as well which we are REALLY happy to see. She has always had the skills, but not the confidence that she HAS those skills. It’s great to see them sync up, and makes her a happier girl.

Another benefit we have seen is her overall confidence and sense of security seems to be increasing. This was another key area we wanted to address and it’s a very “wishy washy” sort of thing to measure, so we really have to go with our gut here to determine if we are or are not seeing improvements. I’ll share a little story to give you an example of how it’s it improved.

Maddie has always been a very “sweet” and sensitive girl- everyone around us tells us that, teachers, friends, etc. However, her kindness and sweetness has another side- she is very sensitive about the idea that something she did would hurt someone else. Even an accidental “bonk” to someone makes her feel awful and she would cry over the idea that she hurt someone. Further, to ask her to apologize was a challenge. She was so mortified at the idea of hurting someone, and apologizing seemed to feel to her like she was willfully acknowledging she did something to hurt someone else…even when it was something so simple like an accidental bonk. So she had a VERY hard time to apologize. Of course as parents we always pushed her to right a wrong, and apologize, but it has NEVER gotten easier for her. Just a month or two ago, she and her sister were playing, and she bonked into Violet accidentally, and she said “Oh sorry Min, are you okay?” It sounds so minor, but she has NEVER voluntarily acknowledged that she caused pain or sorrow to anyone before this, and never without a tremendous amount of emotion flooding from her. Jeremy and I were both just blown away! We have since heard her apologize without prompting on other occasions as well- it’s not every time, but it’s far more often, which is simply astounding. She is learning that hurting someone (even accidentally), means you made a mistake, but it does not make you an inherently bad person, which is how she seemed to view it before. That comes back to the sense of safety and security, and seeing that improve is wonderful.

She still has some ways to go, but we are absolutely seeing small improvements with her as well.

Violet especially, is more and more the sweet happy child that we knew was there, hiding behind the scared little child. She gives hugs, she makes more eye contact, and she is FUNNY! What a sense of humor she has! She woke up early a few days ago and walked into our room with her blanket- from bed I looked down and said “Violet, are you wearing shoes?” (it was about 5:30 in the morning) She just looked and said “yeah” in that sort of “valley girl” attitude way like “YEAH-uuuhhhh”- like “uh, I was sleeping, wasn’t I? OF COURSE I was wearing shoes…” it was so funny…! And last week, at the attachment therapists office, she had some nuts and was calling them Peanuts- I told her, No honey, those are cashews… and she looked at me and said “EAT SHOE? Tissue? EAT SHOE???” and starts laughing! I said, No eat shoe, CASHEW!! But she thought eat shoe was so hysterical… The attachment therapist was impressed, she said that wordplay jokes like that are really more like 5-6 year old developmental level!

So all in all, life is good here. We are super busy getting our tummy crawling and such in every day, but I sure would not trade a minute of it for all the improvements we have seen with our girls. In fact, Maddie has even been making up songs about Tummy crawling lately, and they all start “We love tummy crawling…” I never expected to hear them say ‘we LOVE tummy crawling’- maybe “we TOLERATE tummy crawling”, but I’ll take it! It’s hard work….if you’ve never tried it, get down on the floor and give it a try. These kids are getting buff while building brains….That’s why we always say: Why Neuro?

STRONG BRAINS!

STRONG BODIES!

STRONG HEARTS!

You Bethcya!  Neuro Parents are known as "Warrior Parents" because of all the work that we put into helping our kids heal- but we recently realized the Kids are absolutely "Warrior kids" too- Violet corrected me and said, "No, Warrior PRINCESS."  Right you are my dear...

We are so proud of our Warrior Princesses, they work hard!

Race Matters

On Saturday Maddie had a playdate with a little girl in her preschool, C.  Her big sister was turning 12 the same day, and was having a sleepover birthday party with friends.  C. is in the Chinese preschool with Maddie, and her big sister is in the Mandarin Immersion program that we are hoping to be in as well.  C is an adorable little blonde haired little girl, sweet and happy and carefree- her big sister is a dark blonde haired happy sweet very well mannered girl. Both in Chinese language programs, neither Chinese. This family is a wonderful family and we are happy to know them, and hope that we will be seeing them over the years as our girls go through school together.

Even knowing that C's big sister was in the mandarin program, it still surprised me to see that all 3 of her slumber party guests were Chinese.  I was  amused that this little blonde girl, was the ethnic minority at her party.  As I was thinking about the whole scenario later, and did a count, I was surprised and happy to recount that the people at the house that day (parents & kids together) were exactly half Chinese, and half caucasion.  And as I do fairly often, I thought back about the two transracially adopted kids that I went to High School with.  And of the Korean blogs.  If you've ever read Harlow's Monkey or any of "the Korean Blogs"- you will know what I mean.  Many of these are the adoptees that people call "angry adoptees." 

They speak out for adoption reform, some for abolishment of adoption altogether, and everything in between.  They are people who read as "angry about their past".  I go in search of these blogs around every 6 months or so, and read through them as a reminder.  It can be HARD to read some of these blogs, but I feel it is important.  Many of them blast adoptive parents as a blanket statement.  It can hurt your heart to read these.  But their voices have such value to us as Parents of young transracially adopted children.  As parents, we have a big responsibility. Hearing the experiences of these transracially/transnationally adopted children (as Adults) talk about what did not work for them as children, will help us to make better choices for our children.  It will help us to not make the same mistakes that may have been made (willingly or unwillingly) in their families because they did not have a generation who came before them to listen to.  We are SO lucky to have this generation of transracial adoptees that we CAN listen to- to know what was hard, what was good, how to stack the decks for our children to  help make their experience the best we can, and help them to cope with the challenges and questions at various ages, rather than the kids blindly handling them on their own.

When I think back to those two transracially adopted kids I went to school with, I cannot begin to fathom how challenging it must have felt to them in our little town.

One of them was not in my social circle- he was popular, I was not- but despite that I do wonder how it felt to be in his shoes.  I went to school in "white bread" country- these two transracially adopted kids WERE the only diversity in School, up until a Vietnamese family moved to town when I was maybe in 10th or 11th grade.  The popular Kid, "M"- was son of the art teacher who everyone loved.  I think back now and wonder if he was, among his social circle, the "spokesperson for racial diversity", or whether he heard things like "I forget you are black" (I think he is half African American.), or "I don't even think of you as African American, you are just "M".  Or, "What happened to your real parents"  And whatever else other ridiculous comment people make.  As an adoptive parent of a transracially adopted child, I certainly hear those comments now.

The other transracially adopted girl,"K", I knew through my few years in gymnastics.  She was a Korean adoptee. She was mean to me.  She was sharp tongued, and direct.  Knowing what I know now, I can see it may have been a coping mechanism.  Maybe it was a self protectionist way of keep herself safe.  I wonder if she is one of those adult Korean adoptee bloggers now? She was picked up out of Korea and dropped into a little pasty white town in a pasty white state in the 70's. Her Korean was probably left behind; culture, language, food.  I have no doubt she probably heard "I keep forgetting you are Korean" or "Do you SPEAK ENGLISH?" more often than she cared to deal with.

I have been to several adult adoptee panel discussions, and it always seems the biggest challenge was for those who were the only children of their race/culture in their school, those whose families did not make the effort to introduce them to the food of their culture, or the language of their birth. Those families who failed to ACKNOWLDEGE their child's race, let alone honor it.  But you know, it was the 60's and 70's.  There was no "generation before"- they did what they felt would be best.  I'm not making excuses, just offering a bit of history.  They tried to assimilate their kids so they would not feel different.  But in assimilating, they buried their race.  They buried their heritage and an important piece of who their children were.  And finding that piece of you that was buried for 25 years, when you are an adult-well- it must be scary and cathartic all at the same time.  I can't imagine how powerful that would feel.

As I was at this birthday party, surrounded by all of those beautiful girls with dark brown hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes like my own daughter's, I was reminded once again.  Race Matters.  It MATTERS that our children are surrounded by and exposed to others who look like them.  It matters that my children get to eat the food of their heritage and do not feel like a stranger in their birth country.  It MATTERS that they learn the language of their birth country.  It matters that when our children look around and try to identify "what is beautiful"- they are not seeing a sea of blonde hair and round eyes and wondering why they look so different, but  instead they see a mix of kids who are Asian, mixed Asian heritage, as well as African American, Latino and Caucasian.  We are thrilled that our kids will (hopefully-we are #2  on the waitlist) be in this amazing program where around half the kids will look like them.  Almost as many will come from families who look like ours.  And in their community, they see many other families that mirror ours. At our pediatric dentist, we make sure to always request the same hygienist- who happens to be an adult Vietnamese Adoptee.  Why? because we want our Children to see people of their similar ethnicity in professional environments as well.  (And it helps that we just adore her!)  We saw a dermatologist for Maddie for awhile who was Korean (not adopted), and even I have a Dr who is Chinese (also not adopted.)

 It's not just taking your kids to FCC playgroups or once a year to the big Chinese New Year party- it's about making sure they are normalized in their lives every day.  As of now, our household is 50% Chinese.  We cook Chinese generally once a week, Maddie and I make dumplings about once a month by hand and she gets them in her lunch 2-3 times per week.  I have been studying Chinese since before we met our girls, and we play Chinese music in the car and sing it together.  Race Matters.  Because to deny Race, is to deny an important part of your child.

To those two Transracially adopted kids from my Junior High/High school years- you have my utmost respect for your experience.  We are learning from your generation.  Whatever challenges you did or did not experience, we are listening.  Thank you to those who speak out about their experiences.

Why am I so adamant about the benefits of NR?

Because I have seen them myself in what might be record time, but I have clearly seen my child literally transform before my eyes. We were home 10 months before we started NR, and had done OT for about 6 of those 10 months. In 6 months of OT, we saw negligible improvements, if any. Our OT was very sweet, we really enjoyed OT, and did our “homework” at home, but we did not see any improvement in Violet’s behaviors.

In 10 months there was almost no change in our daughter from the day we met her, until we started NR.

To take a step back, here are the behaviors our daughter had PRE NR (in those first 10 months):

-abusive toward her older/4 year old sister

-abusive towards our animals- you would have thought our cats would be smarter than to stick around but...I guess they didn't have many self-preservation skills and were continually pounded by her.

-rages that would last an hour easily, triggered by nothing or by a minor "no, not right now honey."

-Would throw anything in sight if angry, taking her shoes off to throw if she couldn’t reach anything else

-slamming her head back and forth side to side in the carseat if angry, screaming at the top of her lungs.

-EVERYTHING was urgent, it had to happen THAT minute, period.

-getting in the car at the end of the day from daycare and acting starving and screaming the entire ride home

-inability to feel pain- would run into things and not notice, or fall down hard & not notice...once she even cut her fingers with scissors and we only noticed afterwards because she had blood on her fingers (minor, but still) and Maddie said Violet had been using her scissors. (She was not supposed to use them.)

-Inability to know when she was really hungry or not, she would stuff her mouth with any food in sight, and literally stuff her cheeks to feel the food, then chew & swallow before completely stuffing her cheeks again...

-abuse towards Mama- scratches, hitting, biting, almost ripping my earing out at least a few times, pulling my hair and holding so hard I would need to put her down to use both of my hands to unclench her hands, scratching at my face, my eyes, etc.

-abusive to other kids at school- we had accident reports multiple times a week, I would say average was 2 per week, some weeks less, some weeks more.

-EASILY jumped from "okay" to super angry, zero to sixty in 1.2 seconds....

-After a rage, would cry and be so so sad, so so scared- tried to get so close to me that it felt she was trying to get inside my body.

-NO compassion or empathy- she would often hit her stuffed animals and say "kitty sad...kitty sad...", then continue to hit and pull at them and twist ears, etc- even when I tried to model "we have to hug Kitty, help kitty be happy, no sad...."- nope, she would abuse her more then.

-Was also VERY jealous of her sister, if her sister got a hug, she would come and hit her sister or grab her hair and pull hard. It would take two hands to undo her hands from her sister's hair- sometimes she actually pulled chunks of hair out of her sister's head.

-Communication was difficult for her as well as she only had around 20-25 words, but we were using sign & she did okay with that.

I could probably go on...but that's the jist of it. We lived through 10 months of this- all the while being told by people around us “Oh you know 2 year olds…”, and “she’s only been here 6 months/8 months/etc.” and “oh she’s still adjusting” and “well just time and love! That will do it!” and “why can’t you keep your kid from screaming?” and….well…fill in the blank. Some of you may even have thought these things. But we knew inside our scared little girls was a beautiful soul waiting to come out.

Now 6 months into NR (and our weekly visits to the Attachment therapist)…this is where we’re at:

-We had our evaluation at the very end of August- and of course got the list of things to do every day! :)

Within two weeks, we started to see new words pop up in her vocabulary- a few a week and gradually increasing to now- she is picking up new words almost daily it seems. She is just beginning to construct complex sentences sometimes- her language is on this incredibly trajectory UP. It's astounding.

Within probably a month, the incident reports coming home from school started reducing and she was having fewer and fewer instances of hurting other kids at school.

By the third or fourth month, the abuse towards her sister started to lessened as well, and that continues to get better and better.

Within the last month and a half to two months, we have seen her start to show compassion and empathy for the first time ever, and it's just astounding. If other kids get hurt, instead of going over and hitting them or grabbing their hair and pulling, she goes over to give them a hug (at school.).

Before, other children crying would send her into instant fight or flight mode and she would go straight to hit them or pull hair or scratch- now, she goes to put an arm around them and pet them softly. She is starting to problem solve and instead of going from 0-60 in 1.2 seconds flat, she will ask calmly for something.

Whereas before if she was hungry after school when I picked her up, she might just start screaming "Snack! I want snack!!!" at the top of her lungs in the car, now she asks in this adorable sweet little voice "snack please mama?" and I can answer her and get her a snack and she is totally happy.... She would NEVER make eye contact before for more than a second or two, and she is starting to make eye contact for longer periods of time now. She still has some ways to go on this, but it's definitely improving.

Now when she plays with her stuffed animals, she says "hello kitty! Kitty sad, HUG kitty..." and holding the stuffed animals gently and hugging them instead of hitting them. Our kitties no longer get their tail pulled or hit with a fist on their backs, instead she runs up to them to pet them gently.

Her sister, who has been forever forgiving even when she was getting mauled by little sister, is happier and happier to play with her now, and always involves her. Even before, she would always involve her little sister, even when little sister would hurt her, but now there is less fear all around.

This week, we had two issues at school. The first one was Tuesday- her best little bud at school pushed her with two hands right in the chest. She instantly flew into fight or flight mode and went after the girl. The teacher was unfortunately alone in the room and did what he could, and eventually she calmed down, but it was a rough morning. In the afternoon, when I picked her up, another little boy said “Violet has been pushing me today!! And hit me!” So I told him I was sorry and she should not have done that, and she will do a payback for him. At home, she did a job for me (cleaned up a bunch of legos and things on the floor and put them all away) to earn a “payback” (a little plastic ring for each of the two kids she hurt). When she picked them out and I told her “Which one for Avery?” She told me “Avery hit me! Avery do payback for ME!”- I explained that YES, it’s true that Avery hit you first, but you also hurt Avery, so you have to give her a payback, and I will talk to your teacher and have Avery do a Payback for you tomorrow. The next day, when all the kids were there, the teachers gave Violet the two rings for the two kids, and Violet went up to each kid and told them “look my eyes” (just like Mama says!” and gave them their paybacks. And yes, Avery did a Payback for Violet that day too. We were a little disappointed that we had this slide back, but she had gone to sleep later Monday night due to Maddie’s dance performance, so it was not a HUGE surprise that she had a rough morning. Even so, it was a one time instance, out of a month vs. one time out of a week- a huge improvement.

Fastforward to Thursday, and I arrived in the evening to pick Violet up and she showed me two bandaids on her arm. The teacher told me that a little boy pinched her so hard that it broke the skin! And Violet….OUR VIOLET, did not pummel him! She just went over to the teacher and cried a bit and asked the teacher for help!!! Wow!

THIS is how much her brain has changed!! Because Brains are organized hierarchicly, input is first analyzed in the fight or flight portion of your brain (amygdala), and if your brain the stimulus a threat, then the brain goes into fight or flight mode. (ie: Fighting-hitting/scratching-saving yourself.) In a trauma brain, this part of the brain is VERY sensitive and can react to things as a threat even if they are not (ex: children laughing may be deemed a threat-this is also known as a "Trauma Trigger".) What happens then is that even if the incoming stimulus is not really a threat, the signal will not make its way up to the cortex or the thinking/reasoning part of the brain- it just sticks in the amygdala and fights like H3LL!

So THIS is how far Violet’s brain has come- she came on a real threat, where a child was being aggressive towards her, and the message actually GOT TO the thinking/reasoning part of her brain! To tell her to go see a teacher for help! Wow… or, as Violet would say… “Laaaaa!” (her verion of “Ta da!”)

On Wednesday night, we went out to dinner with some friends who were in this week from Taiwan. The restaurant was louder than I had expected, and our dinner went on for some time- it was already 8:30 when we were leaving, a full hour past Violet’s bed time. From time to time we had some fidgety girls, but really, the whole time, they were amazing! In fact, our friends said after we left that the waitress came over and said how impressed she was with how well our girls behaved! We could never have done that even 3 months ago! It would have ended in a rage in the first half an hour!  During the entire dinner, Violet did not get upset, she came to me for cuddles several times and cuddled up in her blanket to feel safe, but no screaming, no crying, not anxiety. And even the next day, nothing! Just fine! And Excellent day at school! (except for the boy pinching her…) We had (unknowingly) put her to a HUGE test, and she passed with flying colors.

We are by no means done with Neuro Reorg. We are hoping to be done by Christmas, we’ll see…the brain changes as the brain changes and you cannot predict it-but I can say that the changes we have seen in our girl in 7 months has been nothing short of astounding. This is not the same child. The fear is less, the love is more, and life is becoming sweet.

We have gained new confidence for our upcoming trip to Vermont, that our lives will not be a living H3LL for a month afterwards, that she can handle the flight, and she can handle the trip, and she will be able to handle what life throws at her as she moves forward through life!

 I wish more families with RAD (and ADHD kids, SPD kids, ODD, PTSD, ASD kids...etc...this helps in SO many areas!!!) would take this leap of faith. It really is a leap of faith- because there is just not that much “data” out there on NR, but there are hundreds and hundreds (if not thousands) of families who have benefitted greatly from it. You put the work in, you get amazing results. Lately I’ve been hearing more and more parents of RAD kids who are doing NR or have done NR with their RADlets say “We did years and years of therapy x, y, z, but NR was the Game Changer. The one real and permanent solution. The one that REALLY made a difference.” I have no doubt our girl is going to outgrow her RAD diagnosis within a few years.  Here is a little eye candy for those of you who have stuck with me to read this post to it's end...!

Neuro Development

Let's see if this works... this is a presentation I did at Violet's school this week on Brain Development- it's 2 hours long and the volume is not great...but the information is!

Another old video from June...

This one of Maddie's performance- this is her favorite dance, but so far this year they have not done it yet!

a 7 month old Video...

As I'm cleaning off the flip to make room for Maddie's Saturdays dance performance, I found this video of the girls dancing from last June- very cute!