When All is not Rosy-Look out for a Lecture below

There have been two stories in the news in the last few days of adopted children with not so rosy endings. But before they got to the endings (only one is really ending), there had to have been more to both of their stories.

One is a 3 year old boy adopted from China last year. He is currently in a hospital in a coma, after having emergency brain surgery I believe to alleave swelling in his brain from damage to his frontal lobes. His parents say he fell down stairs, but evidence of other abuses (2nd and 3rd degree burns on his hands from "hot bath water when they left him unattended" and bruises on the backs of his legs and weight loss noticed at daycare in the past months) as well as the dr's saying that the bruising is not consistent with the parents story lead me to think this was not simply a child falling down stairs. It may have been an accident that he was hurt so bad. But the potential for abuse in this story seems high to me. I surely hope his story is not over and he will make a recovery.

The other story is a 7 year old boy who was just put on a plane back to Russia after just being adopted last November. By himself. With a note from his adoptive mother that said she could no longer parent him because she feared for herself and her family and friend's safety.

On the one hand, we have not been in these families shoes. We cannot possibly know what they have gone through. I do have a good friend whose daughter has somewhat significant attachment issues and I can imagine what the family with the 3 year old could have experienced. The 7 year old boy was removed from his acoholic mother's care and put into a Russian orphanage. I have heard stories and seen videos of Russian orphanages and I cannot imagine what trauma this child has experienced, and I have no doubt that the family really did fear for their lives.

However I'm in no way giving either of these families an excuse for what has transpired with their children. I have very definite opinions about Russian adoption. I have learned too much and read too much about treatment in Russian orphanages, the sort of situations these children come from, the quality of care (lack thereof) in Russian orphanages. The way I think of it- is if you envision the stereotypical child in foster care in the US- removed from their families, put in foster family, bio family "gets it together" and child is returned, family screws up again and child is removed again, family "get it together again" and child is returned again. The child is sent back and forth between a few or several foster care families, to their biological families, where they are further neglected, abused, and who knows what else, until finally after a few or several years of this cycle, the system finally gets it and says, "Oh yeah, I guess these people can't parent....we should terminate parental rights. But in the meantime, think about the yoyo effect on the child!! I saw a profile for the sweetest looking 5 or 6 year old girl a few years back. Adorable! sweet smile! cutie patootie! And her profile said, "she would do well in a home with a single Mother (no men) and it's best there are no animals in the house. Really? WHAT has happened to this sweet child in her short life that she has challenges where animals are concerned and that it's better she be in a place without men? Can you just imagine what this child could have gone through?

Okay, now my personal (JUST MY OWN) thoughts about children in Russian orphanages, are that the kids have been through this same sort of experience in their young life, but rather than going into a foster family, they are sent to the orphanage. Where they are taken care of by other children who have "aged out" and now work in the orphanage (this I read somewhere), and perpetuate the abuses done to them. It's a pretty bleak picture.

I would never say that the children from these orphanages are not adoptable- there are plenty of families who are prepared to handle these special needs. I do not feel that these are within our capabilities as a family to deal with. I know too much. Or perhaps it's just that the stories of the "worst" are to loud.

What my point is, is that older child adoption is HARD. HARD like you can't imagine. I have a tiny inkling of what my friend went through. TINY. I was a sounding board and I have seen some, but she lived it day in and day out. And when you look at how it could have been, how it is sometimes for people who adopt much older children (like 6 or 7 or 8 or 10....), she had it easy as pie.

We have had what I would consider to be very (VERY!) minor attachment issues when Madeline first came home. We were open and honest about it, confronted it, spoke with an attachment therapist about it, discussed with other families, put some practices into place, and have seen real and honest improvement and change. We are still vigilent. And our child was only 10 months old when she came home.

What these families have been through surely is not easy. I'm certain it's been rough. But I will not, not, not give them a "get out of jail free" card because they had a hard time. Adopting without really "getting" what it means to bring home an older child and without really doing the research on special needs of Adopted Children in general does not exclude you from the responsibility you have to your adopted child! We cannot romanticize older child adoption! Oh this child waited 6 years and they will be so happy and loving and slip right into a family because they know what it's like to not have a family! No way. I'm sure that there are people out there who have had a lucky sort of experience like this- but for the most part, I doubt that to be true.

Maybe I'm to cynical. I firmly believe that every adopted child is a special needs child. They come from their special and unique backgrounds and have had losses that we as adoptive parents (unless you were yourself adopted) cannot fathom. My father died when I was 11. So I know what it is to grow up the bulk of your life missing a parent. But I cannot possibly say that I understand what it is to grow up never knowing what he looked like. While they are few, I do have memories of him!

Anyway, the point is, we have to educate ourselves. You CANNOT romanticize older child adoption. I have heard people say it is so rewarding! And You know, I have NO doubt it is. And I have considered it from time to time. But you need to be SO educated on it and have a support group put together and really have some sort of clear understanding from people who have been there before and gone through it, and acknowledge that you are not adopting a newborn. You are adopting a real live person with a history and that history may be very BIG- so you need to be prepared.

It is a disservice to the children you adopt if you do not do as much reading as humanly possible and research and attend classes and spend time getting to know and talking with other adoptive families, and being open about what is going on. Then when you are blindsided with HOW much harder this parenting of an older child is or attachment issues are or PTSD in an adopted child or Sensory disorders or (you name the thing that blindsided you....), you have some bit of knowledge about it, you can figure out a path, you can create a support network, you can get it together. Or you can find a solution if you simply cannot parent this child for whatever reason. I heard a story of a family who had to make an adoption plan for one of their adopted children because he was abusing (s3xually) one of their adopted daughters. Breaks your heart, but by learning and talking and researching, they found the path that they needed to follow. There is an answer. It MAY be in some cases that you can't parent your child. But figuring out those resources are vital, instead of putting your child on a plane back to where they came from with a note that said "I can't do it, and I don't want to. Take him back." Because in my mind, that is never, ever okay.